only the nose KNOWS

ok so im back!

FROM THE LOO!

i had to do a bit of TACO SMACKO ~ <- that's so lame.

i *would* go into a LOT of detail but im soooooooooooooooooooooo tired, i havent slept since thursday night, and even then i wouldnt normally consider it a good sleep - so u can imagine fri night and sat night.

ah...i guess i want to say is that im rlly glad i went. it was so fun, and the world w/out parents seems so...strange? yet cool. it was great because we didnt have to say bye...well, we did, eventually, but it lasted pretty long and it was rlly fun. the company/people that i spent time w/ (friends and newly met persons) was great! it was so amazing to meet such cool people and to have so much fun.

man...i did so much, it was like a whole different universe! thx ken and lynn (altho i doubt ull read this!) for dragging me around the place and taking care of me - ahhh hahah

ah i dont know wat to say, im still shaking off this feeling of dread...when i think back at how much fun i had everything seems so warm, but now im facing reality again. as soon as i got home my parents were asking things like wat i was going to do about my job..when i was gonna study for it, when i was going to clean my room...blah blah blah - i mean, i had JUST got home? watz up w/ that.

it made me feel rlly shitty when my mom said, "enough fun, it's time to start studying." im not rlly sure how to explain how that made me feel, it was like a slap to reality and not a very good one. i feel like flailing to the ground in agony (sort of like how emerson did when he attempted a "rofl" L-O-L) whenever i think of school and work...school and work, its like something is squishing my heart. i think work will be fun, but i feel this ever-present dread...i feel like i wont be good enough. lately im always wondering that - am i good enough? of course i can probably all link it back to my childhood and the countless memories i haf of being rejected by supposed "friends" and just people in general - it's not good to feel this way. i know this...but i find more and more im debating myself on whether or not i should be feeling a certain way - does thinking this make me annoying? will saying this make me shameful? will wanting this make me a bad person? i found myself envious of all the friends that lynn had at loo, knowing that if ever i went there id probably be a hermit who just reads books all day. or the shadow that (maybe?) follows my roomate...or whoever else decided to "adopt me" everywhere, and then eventually annoying them to the point where they tell me to get a life. and then, even now, im thinking to myself - why are u complaining? stop being such an annoying person, no1 wants to hear u complain. it's all so vicious, i just want school to be over, i hate it so much and when i start to think of why im not rlly sure. it just gives me such a cold..boring feeling. there's nothing to do there, i dont haf fun, and maybe ppl will argue that's because i dont try to make friends and that...well, life isnt always fun.

does this mean i hafta grow up? face reality? accept the facts? stop being such a lazy-ass?

i guess, but ezier said then done.

i dont know, i guess im incompedent? (dun wanna look up the spelling atm)

aww...but, enough of all the sad stuff, i guess. this weekend...it was so cool, and so awsome. im rlly glad i went

=D im so tired...itzshee 10pm, sorry i didnt say more about the trip, ill try to put more tmorrow i guess


*looks around and wonders why her boss didnt phone to give her the week's scheduale.....*doom**